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Seven men you should date*

I’m always reading these lists in women’s magazines. It’s not enough for them to endlessly harp on about why you’re single (spoiler alert: it’s because you’re crazy) they also want to tell you who exactly to insert inside yourself. So in the spirit of telling grown women what to do I compiled my own list. Enjoy.

1. The guy who hogs the weights room at the gym. Sure there’s more chemistry between him and mirror than mum and dad on their wedding night but does anyone ever take the time to tell Backwards-Hat McRipped how good he looks? Well do they? It’s my understanding these dudes are too busy shredding to date. Be an altruist

2. A catcaller. Why not turn the sweaty Romeo serenading you from the window of his shitty ford falcon and say; “are you going to drive around, aimlessly harassing women all your life? You’re not gettin’ any younger bro.”

3. A bigot: Listen to their ill-informed opinions about European settlement. Press face into pillow and shriek. Repeat.

4. An accountant: Ask them to explain how interest rates work then constantly interrupt them with personal anecdotes about your childhood dollarmite account. Alternatively date a chef. Talk about how you put onion in pasta sauce and invented a whole new thing. Deny this has ever been done before.

5. Someone much older than you: Mock their inability to understand memes and talk about receiving personal letters in the mail with a look of abject wonder on your face. Older guys love that.

6. Someone much hotter than you: Objectify them constantly, pinch their butt, show pictures of their genitals to friends etc. This behaviour will give you a tremendous sense of power, like owning a German Shepard that can kill on command but doesn’t. Remember if hot men didn’t want to be treated that way their faces wouldn’t be so symmetrical.

7. A self-proclaimed philosopher: Whenever they attempt to lecture you about ‘the way the world is’ jam your fingers in your ears and screech “I know you are, but what am I?” This is unpleasant but will hopefully teach them a valuable lesson about not being a pretentious bore and having a clear vision in mind when you get a tattoo.

Or you know, do whatever you like? That’s what I’d go with.

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